God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
