I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
