is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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