i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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