I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
