everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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