You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
