dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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