You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
