I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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