so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
