Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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