I want you more than these girls want KFC
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering