you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.