i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
