I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
