I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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