I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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