question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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