I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
