I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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