Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
