Just fell off a train. Bad.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
