i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
