found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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