you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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