I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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