I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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