Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
