I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you win again, gameday.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Randomize
