i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
God I need to hump something, right now.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize