Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
