You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
