The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
