Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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