3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
