Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
