Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
