I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
