i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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