i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
