I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
