i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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