I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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