I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
My feet surprised me
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
