If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
