Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
