I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
