i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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