i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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