Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
