hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
