I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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