You can't motorboat a personality
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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