Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
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i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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