If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
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I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
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Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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