She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
