I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
